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Lorraine – Integrating the Horrific

I experienced an NDE as a result of abduction, rape and suffocation involving two men, when I was six years old.  I left my body, was greeted by relatives and loved ones, experienced and communicated with what I would describe as living breathing light and unconditional love, was told I had to return, felt complete devastation that I had to, and then was shown my entire FUTURE across the sky, living and experiencing every moment of it, to give me strength to return.

I then re-entered my body and returned to the room and to the abusers.  They let me go. 

Alongside the NDE it is important to also mention two further related aspects.  Several months earlier, I experienced a premonition of the ‘catastrophe’ that was going to happen to me.  I didn’t know the detail, but as if the trauma was entering my body in preparation of experiencing it in the near future.  I tried to pretend it was going to happen, even though I knew it would.  I had no idea that when several months later a man approached me, that this was linked to the Catastrophic event.

During the attack, something else happened.  When the perpetrators were abusing me, I saw a movement behind them and realised it was an arm which seemed to be placing something on the bed.  I looked up to see that it belonged to a translucent being; my eyes widened in reaction; the being in response silently put a finger to its lips as if to say: don’t make them aware that you have seen me, whilst at the same time, I thought I was going to be rescued.

When I returned to my body, I was o.k for a day or two with the future that was shown to me to sustain me, but then I started to become ill.  I thought I was dying; I began to become traumatised and terrified and I became convinced that I was dying.  I therefore believed that the unconditional being had lied to me and had put me back in my body just to torture me until I died again. I wondered what I had done that was so evil and terrible, that an unconditional being could hate and be afraid of me and I became terrified of myself and my emotions until I convinced myself I was evil. 

The trauma became worse and worse with this reaction, until I tried to kill myself.  After the third attempt of walking in front of a car, which put on its breaks in time, I went home.  Instead, I decided that the only way I could survive was by hiding myself from god.  If god couldn’t see me, then I could hide inside myself and not be destroyed.  I had no where to go in the whole universe, except inside my own body and so I broke up the attack into segments i.e from the point they took me to the house and to a manageable size of memory that I could condense and then hide away in my mind.  I worked on this for three months and by the December I had achieved it.  I no longer had any idea of what had happened to me.  I buried the belief and emotions that ‘Lorraine’ was dead and that I had been replaced by something so evil and dangerous that even god wanted to destroy me. 

At 11/puberty the trauma dislodged and tried to surface.  I experienced sickening fear and anxiety but didn’t know what it was, just that I had to keep it down.  I remained in this state permanently until my first relationship at 17.  By 19 I had a break down as the trauma surfaced further, (just the emotions).  I still had no idea that anything had happened to me.  I then felt a sickening fear and emotions that I was bad, evil, dangerous and thought I was going mad.  The emotions felt completely real and there was a total conviction about them but I had no idea where they were coming from.

At 20 I had two split second direct flashbacks; the only ones I’ve had.  They were the faces of the two men whom I was able to identify.  I went to the Police; the younger man confessed.  There was no evidence except for the confession.  The older man remained silent.  I was awarded criminal compensation.

I then received very inappropriate therapy: a woman who told me that the only way I could heal was to remember.  I put enormous pressure on myself to remember, and after a year, the trauma again tried to rise, but instead, I experienced the emotions as if they were in the present and not connected to the past.  Apart from the two flashbacks, I still had complete dissociated amnesia.    I had a feeling that I was so bad, I had done something so terrible, that I had to end my life.  I tried to do so again, and couldn’t understand why at the point of my death, I was unable to discover the terrible things I was convinced I had done. 

I then received help from her Supervising Therapist who told me that the therapy I had received had been very damaging and which had led me to my current suicidal state.  He warned me that I had to get away from the focus of the abuse as soon as possible in order to rebuild my life and urged me to go to University and get on with my life and not look at it any more.

My life since then has been about rebuilding it and also about a journey of getting to the truth of myself; of who I am and of peeling back the layers, of becoming more authentic.  I was diagnosed with dissociated amnesia and PTSD/developmental trauma and I have dissociated flashbacks on a daily basis.  Every day of my life, the attack is playing itself out, but on a dissociative level; vivid, unprocessed and as fresh as the day it happened, but completely separate from my conscious awareness.

A huge part of my trauma and a huge part of continuing to block the trauma is due to the NDE and my six year old fear of god wishing to destroy me.  Through a ‘middle layer’ between conscious and subconscious, I have healed and learned a great deal, especially around the logic of my beliefs and fears at the time, and I know for sure, that ‘god’ in no way wanted to punish and destroy me, but that it simply got mixed up in the terror of the trauma and the abuse that I was experiencing at the time.  I was totally traumatised and with no one who knew what had happened to and no support.

I am being drawn to understanding more about my NDE, the purpose of it, and how on earth I can come to terms with it as part of releasing myself from the dissociated trauma which continues to play itself out day by day.  I know, I am certain, that the future that I was shown, was real; every moment of my life, right up until the moment of my death; every moment lived and experienced.  I’m convinced that is why I am still alive today because of the knowledge that I was shown and that I experienced.   I am currently working with trauma specialists as the Amnesia shows signs of weakening/lifting as I continue to heal and progress. 

I don’t know what my question is, except perhaps for reaching out to a community of people who have experienced NDE and Trauma and to ask you if there are other accounts of children who rather than see their pasts see their futures instead?  I guess due to the very young age, where the future is more relevant to be shown to us than a review of our pasts?

Perhaps I wish not to feel so alone; to gain faith that I am not isolated and alienated, that I wasn’t being punished, that others may have felt similar to this, that you may have an account of another child’s experience that will help me feel less lonely and afraid and give me more courage to face what happened.  ~
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