Ray - "Not a Fairy Story"
09 06
My First Near Death Experience (10 years old):
I went to Catholic School at the time and was horsing around with a friend after school on the playground. He was showing me a new Judo move that he had learned in his martial arts class - he was going to flip me over his shoulder onto the ground. Something went wrong and I landed directly on my head.
I picked myself up from the ground with intense pain in my head and spine. I was literally knocked senseless. As I got up I remember seeing a woman (who was there to pick up her kids) getting out of her car with a horrified look on her face...she had seen the accident. I turned to run into the bathroom - but only made it a few feet before I feel flat on my face on the concrete...blacked out completely.
I thought that my NDE was a dream and that I was knocked unconscious. What else would a ten year old compare the experience to. I did not realize what had really happened until many years later when not only did I have another NDE, but I started to hear of other peoples NDE's.
It felt as if my body had just "come apart" and my vision went spiraling out of control. Swirling colors that seemed to disappear to a point somewhere...like a funnel or something. No, not a tunnel...a funnel. I was really scared because I felt like I was losing control of everything.
Somehow I knew that I had to just let go of my fear and roll with the funnel of swirling light. My body was gone...it felt like a blender had just ripped it apart, and I was drawn into the funnel toward the disappearing point. I just let go of everything. As soon as I let go of the fear, the pleasant sensations began.
I still had a "body" but it was entirely different. I could see in three dimensions as if I had no body at all, but was just a "floating eyeball" for lack of a better explanation. I could see all directions at once, yet there were no directions or dimensions as we think of them. (Note: This is one thing that really bothers me when I read or hear of other NDE's that describe a "place" - sometimes with rivers and valleys and flowers - this was not a "place" anything like here. How could my experience be so different from others?)
I was greeted by a being of Light and Love, but nobody else that I could recognize. It seemed to be just a brilliant glow that seemed to absorb me inside itself. Love is far too weak a word to describe this experience. I became Love - my entire being, every strand of my spirit spreading throughout the Universe had become Love times a million billion.
This is the point where I have to contradict myself. I said earlier that over there was not a "place" like we experience here.
I found myself in front of some giant golden gates or some kind...it reminded me of an alter in the Catholic Church. There was some kind of fog or something that obscured any sense of distance, but my pet dog Skippy was there. Skippy had died some years earlier and was the only "person" that I had any real family connection with that was dead. I was overwhelmed with Joy and Love and embraced my dog with my spirit. Although I don't remember Skippy saying anything to me, we were so happy to be together again!
At this point I was told that I must go back...that it was not my time. This is kind of fuzzy here, but I remember an intense feeling of regret and being filled with a "No, No, please let me stay" feeling. But wherever the "voice" was coming from was adamant...it was not my time and I must return. I had no choice in the matter.
I did not have a life review of any kind.
If it is possible to describe the "funnel" experience in reverse, this is what it felt like coming back here. It felt like my spirit was being stuffed into a jar that was far too small and painful to hold it. I was fighting to return..."No, No, I don't want to go back". The process would not stop - I was returning.
I heard voices. Real voices. I opened my eyes briefly and saw a circle of people gathered over and around my body (my face in particular). It was the paramedics from the ambulance and they were rubbing ice all over my face. One of them said "He opened his eyes" (with great joy on his part). I closed my eyes fiercely and tried to go back, go back, go back - but they kept yelling and telling me to open my eyes while lightly slapping my face. I was in deep physical pain and felt completely saturated with exhaustion.
The Second NDE:
I was much older (16) and had the beginnings of an adult ego and character, so this NDE was much more personal than the first. I will skip details of the death part of this NDE...it is far too embarrassing to admit anything else other than I had an accidental overdose.
I remember lying down against the wall at a party and closing my eyes. That was the last conscious memory I have. I woke up several hours later and the party was over...everyone was asleep but not me!
When I left my body it was similar to the first time, but much scarier. I thought that I was going crazy...that I must be losing my mind. I stared up into the same "funnel" that I saw many years before. It had a much more intense fragmented feeling and a certain "wrongness" as my ego disintegrated into Spirit. I was frightened and did not have any idea what was happening, just that I was totally out of control of what was going on.
Again, I finally realized that I really did not have any control so I might as well just hang on for the ride, no matter how frightening. The spiraling funnel was swirling upward to the same disappearing point somewhere in the distance...as it sucked my Spirit out of this world and my body.
Then, the intense Love and Peace and pleasure began to overcome me once more. I was no longer Ray, my ego had dissolved but somehow I was still Ray with the same sense of humor and the same hang ups. I was once again escorted by a Being of immense Light and Love and Holiness, but this time the Being was taking me on a trip or tour of some sort. It had something to show me.
Now this is very difficult to describe, but time ceased to exist. It had no value there...past and future were completely non-existent. I was traveling in an intense, burning now. Now was everything. I ceased to be a noun (person, place or thing) but became a verb (an action). I was Ray-ing instead of Ray. This is the best I can do to describe what no-time is like. It is beautiful in it's own intensity and burning Now-Ness.
I was given a huge message at this point. The Being told me "This is Who You Really Are", as the Universe opened up to me. I could not tell the difference between myself and the infinite galaxies. I became all-powerful and all knowing - and yet I was still Ray. I cannot describe this better than this, but this "story" feels so inadequate next to the real thing.
Then the Being guided me and introduced me to another being of the most Incredible Beauty and Love that anyone could comprehend. It was a Greater Being of intense Light. It was God. The first Being guided me to this Light and let it enfold and swallow me up. I became one with Love times a million, billion, trillion forever and ever. We were made of the same stuff! Every Being that had ever existed in all of Creation was now part of this Greater Whole Being called God. I was one with all of them, and yet I was still Ray...all powerful, little old me!
"This is Who You Really Are" thundered the Light.
It looked like a galaxy except the points of light were not stars, they were beings. Every being there was singing this incredibly beautiful music and praising God.
After some indefinite length of Now-ness, I was told that I must go back...that it is not my time yet. I was okay with this now...I had a huge Purpose and far more Powerful reason for being. I was given another message that was very important...as important as Who I Really Am. I was told that I may return anytime I wished. I have no idea what this means now but that was the other Big Message!
I returned to my body again feeling stuffed into a vessel of pain and exhaustion.
I have had a very difficult time integrating my NDE experiences into day to day life. I was filled with an immense sense of purpose and importance but I cannot seem to reconcile my NDE's with living here. I sometimes feel as if I would just want to leave here and go home to be with God...yet I know that suicide is not the answer. I would never burdon my loved ones with such a selfish act. I guess that God has some explaining to do when I finally get to go home!
I went to Catholic School at the time and was horsing around with a friend after school on the playground. He was showing me a new Judo move that he had learned in his martial arts class - he was going to flip me over his shoulder onto the ground. Something went wrong and I landed directly on my head.
I picked myself up from the ground with intense pain in my head and spine. I was literally knocked senseless. As I got up I remember seeing a woman (who was there to pick up her kids) getting out of her car with a horrified look on her face...she had seen the accident. I turned to run into the bathroom - but only made it a few feet before I feel flat on my face on the concrete...blacked out completely.
I thought that my NDE was a dream and that I was knocked unconscious. What else would a ten year old compare the experience to. I did not realize what had really happened until many years later when not only did I have another NDE, but I started to hear of other peoples NDE's.
It felt as if my body had just "come apart" and my vision went spiraling out of control. Swirling colors that seemed to disappear to a point somewhere...like a funnel or something. No, not a tunnel...a funnel. I was really scared because I felt like I was losing control of everything.
Somehow I knew that I had to just let go of my fear and roll with the funnel of swirling light. My body was gone...it felt like a blender had just ripped it apart, and I was drawn into the funnel toward the disappearing point. I just let go of everything. As soon as I let go of the fear, the pleasant sensations began.
I still had a "body" but it was entirely different. I could see in three dimensions as if I had no body at all, but was just a "floating eyeball" for lack of a better explanation. I could see all directions at once, yet there were no directions or dimensions as we think of them. (Note: This is one thing that really bothers me when I read or hear of other NDE's that describe a "place" - sometimes with rivers and valleys and flowers - this was not a "place" anything like here. How could my experience be so different from others?)
I was greeted by a being of Light and Love, but nobody else that I could recognize. It seemed to be just a brilliant glow that seemed to absorb me inside itself. Love is far too weak a word to describe this experience. I became Love - my entire being, every strand of my spirit spreading throughout the Universe had become Love times a million billion.
This is the point where I have to contradict myself. I said earlier that over there was not a "place" like we experience here.
I found myself in front of some giant golden gates or some kind...it reminded me of an alter in the Catholic Church. There was some kind of fog or something that obscured any sense of distance, but my pet dog Skippy was there. Skippy had died some years earlier and was the only "person" that I had any real family connection with that was dead. I was overwhelmed with Joy and Love and embraced my dog with my spirit. Although I don't remember Skippy saying anything to me, we were so happy to be together again!
At this point I was told that I must go back...that it was not my time. This is kind of fuzzy here, but I remember an intense feeling of regret and being filled with a "No, No, please let me stay" feeling. But wherever the "voice" was coming from was adamant...it was not my time and I must return. I had no choice in the matter.
I did not have a life review of any kind.
If it is possible to describe the "funnel" experience in reverse, this is what it felt like coming back here. It felt like my spirit was being stuffed into a jar that was far too small and painful to hold it. I was fighting to return..."No, No, I don't want to go back". The process would not stop - I was returning.
I heard voices. Real voices. I opened my eyes briefly and saw a circle of people gathered over and around my body (my face in particular). It was the paramedics from the ambulance and they were rubbing ice all over my face. One of them said "He opened his eyes" (with great joy on his part). I closed my eyes fiercely and tried to go back, go back, go back - but they kept yelling and telling me to open my eyes while lightly slapping my face. I was in deep physical pain and felt completely saturated with exhaustion.
The Second NDE:
I was much older (16) and had the beginnings of an adult ego and character, so this NDE was much more personal than the first. I will skip details of the death part of this NDE...it is far too embarrassing to admit anything else other than I had an accidental overdose.
I remember lying down against the wall at a party and closing my eyes. That was the last conscious memory I have. I woke up several hours later and the party was over...everyone was asleep but not me!
When I left my body it was similar to the first time, but much scarier. I thought that I was going crazy...that I must be losing my mind. I stared up into the same "funnel" that I saw many years before. It had a much more intense fragmented feeling and a certain "wrongness" as my ego disintegrated into Spirit. I was frightened and did not have any idea what was happening, just that I was totally out of control of what was going on.
Again, I finally realized that I really did not have any control so I might as well just hang on for the ride, no matter how frightening. The spiraling funnel was swirling upward to the same disappearing point somewhere in the distance...as it sucked my Spirit out of this world and my body.
Then, the intense Love and Peace and pleasure began to overcome me once more. I was no longer Ray, my ego had dissolved but somehow I was still Ray with the same sense of humor and the same hang ups. I was once again escorted by a Being of immense Light and Love and Holiness, but this time the Being was taking me on a trip or tour of some sort. It had something to show me.
Now this is very difficult to describe, but time ceased to exist. It had no value there...past and future were completely non-existent. I was traveling in an intense, burning now. Now was everything. I ceased to be a noun (person, place or thing) but became a verb (an action). I was Ray-ing instead of Ray. This is the best I can do to describe what no-time is like. It is beautiful in it's own intensity and burning Now-Ness.
I was given a huge message at this point. The Being told me "This is Who You Really Are", as the Universe opened up to me. I could not tell the difference between myself and the infinite galaxies. I became all-powerful and all knowing - and yet I was still Ray. I cannot describe this better than this, but this "story" feels so inadequate next to the real thing.
Then the Being guided me and introduced me to another being of the most Incredible Beauty and Love that anyone could comprehend. It was a Greater Being of intense Light. It was God. The first Being guided me to this Light and let it enfold and swallow me up. I became one with Love times a million, billion, trillion forever and ever. We were made of the same stuff! Every Being that had ever existed in all of Creation was now part of this Greater Whole Being called God. I was one with all of them, and yet I was still Ray...all powerful, little old me!
"This is Who You Really Are" thundered the Light.
It looked like a galaxy except the points of light were not stars, they were beings. Every being there was singing this incredibly beautiful music and praising God.
After some indefinite length of Now-ness, I was told that I must go back...that it is not my time yet. I was okay with this now...I had a huge Purpose and far more Powerful reason for being. I was given another message that was very important...as important as Who I Really Am. I was told that I may return anytime I wished. I have no idea what this means now but that was the other Big Message!
I returned to my body again feeling stuffed into a vessel of pain and exhaustion.
I have had a very difficult time integrating my NDE experiences into day to day life. I was filled with an immense sense of purpose and importance but I cannot seem to reconcile my NDE's with living here. I sometimes feel as if I would just want to leave here and go home to be with God...yet I know that suicide is not the answer. I would never burdon my loved ones with such a selfish act. I guess that God has some explaining to do when I finally get to go home!
