Emel- "A VERY IMPORTANT NEAR-DEATH EPISODE FROM A CHILD EXPERIENCER BORN IN TURKEY."
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My name is Emel, 30, a Turkish female.
I want to share with you my little journey called life.
I’m sorry that I can’t express myself very well in English, and that, what I have experienced, is hard to describe, even if I was eloquent enough.
To understand the big picture, I need to tell you, that what happened before.
My parents, my two older sisters and me, moved from Turkey to Germany. This was 1976 when I was 6 month old. In Turkey, before my family begun their journey with me, I had fever. I was sick, but it was not known why.
On the journey, the fever increased. As soon as we landed in Germany I was in hospital. In the hospital my state was critical for at least three days, the fever was still high. The docs said, that there is hardly a chance that I would survive. They said, if I would survive, I would be mentally total handicapped, I would be an idiot.
Then it is getting interesting, or difficult.
The fever slowly went and I spend total 4 weeks in the hospital. After leaving the hospital the docs put me on a special nurturing diet, it was vegetarian. Why, I don’t know.
I ate a lot of carrots, but I loved the taste, lol.
I experienced my first trauma by gaining my earthly consciousness. After the good feeling, there was a cold and hard feeling.
I missed the good feeling.
After I was send home.
My parents took me to medical control to my doc. I must be so 7-1/2 month old.
I am on the right arm of my mother, my father is on the left side of my mother. We arrive to the examination room, for a very short moment I see golden light. Then I remember this good feeling was gold, lots of lots of golden light, and especially vibrations and lovely ticklish in my body! In the little moment as I see this light, I’m laughing so laud and full of happiness. My body is so full of energy. The great feeling to go back, the happiness to see my Light. I jump from my mothers arm in the arm of that X, I want to rejoin it again! I think I will fall into the happy light bath. In that moment as I am in her arms, I am sooo disappointed. The first trauma in my life! She was not the good feeling where I was. She was only a white dressed doc assistant with blond hair. OK to do her justice, she was nice and stroke me on my head, she smiled. But my laugh went. She felt like a puppet, like empty. My doc stays on the right side from her side. He is smiling and is a very nice man. Why was she not the Joy? The appearance of the nurse with white clothes and long blond hair made me remember this big Joy and Happyness, but as I jumped in her arms, I did not find the Love being.
Some years later, when I was 4 or 5 years, we visited in Turkey my siblings and my fathers sister, my aunt cried when she saw me, she hug me and said, that she thought I died because of the illness when I was a baby, and she kissed me and stroke me and didn’t want to let me go. My aunt had give me my name and she cared very much for me, she said to me, I slept with you till you left with your family. I remember very clear her joy to feel me. Because of her words, years later I asked my parents what my illness was and how I was treated, how long it went and so on. My parents are simple people from Anatolian poor farms, they didn’t understand the results of the medical diagnostics in that time, especially they had problems with the german language.
My memory is clear from age about 7 month.
My drama begins.
My mother is not really caring and I am so bored. To be conscious and nothing to do but laying on my back and once in a while getting fed. Day by day. My parents are traditionalists and my mother wished after having two girls, a boy, a son so that she can be proud. I know she rejected me, because I am a girl. Yes, in islam girls are valuable, but my parents mix their egoistic need, traditional opinion and traditional expectation.
As soon as I can crawl I discover my new friend, the outlet for electricity. I put my little finger on it and the ticklish feeling is at least on my fingers, I am so happy! I have haematom on my finger tips but that doesn’t bother me, my mother sees what I do, looks horrified and does nothing than looking, and I have my fun, I even speak to it! This thing feels alive and nice to me. I crawl to the kitchen window and I love to watch the Rhine-river because there seem to be endless light-sparkles in the water, when the sun shines. Today I know I meditate as a baby on that window by watching the river and light sparkles. I ask my parents to read and write with me between age one and two. I want soo much to learn. They were upset and gave me a pencil and newspaper to write on it, so I shut up. I am annoying them. That’s all. My sister is five years older then me, and she starts to go to school, I want so much learn too. But my parents are upset and I go on their nerves with my begging.
I had weird experiences when I get older. But before I tell you what, I tell you the circumstances I lived, because I thought for a long time, that the circumstances caused them.
When I was 3 years old, we move again and my mother cared lesser, my older sisters are send to Turkey back to my grandparents. I am raised as muslim and my mother believes that God is a punishing God, the hell is waiting for all the sinners. She said God knows everyone, so I wondered always, why she was scared. If God knows everything about me, why shall I be scared of hell?
She developed depression. She leaves me for hours alone at home not telling me when she comes back, or hits me a lot or locks me up in the bathroom, When my older sisters were in Germany, she was also very violent to them too. Once I remember when my mother used a fork on the arm of my sister, there was blood.
It was the time I went to elementary school. My mother knew hardly someone or had contact. I was isolated. I was very shy. My mother searched always things in my behavior to punish me. My father had two jobs, was less home and if he came, my mother told him things about me and he punished me with a metal stick, which was for the oven, this was happening too often.
My parents heard preaching of some fundamentalist. They said every thing which is made by Christ, atheist or non muslim hand, it is an evil thing and product, like television, European, or western music and movies and books and meals in the restaurants and so on. I loved to read, my mother told me to bring the books back because they were from the devil. I brought three or four books per 14 days because the mobile library bus came only every 14 days and I wanted so many books as I can carry home. My mother didn’t allowed me to read, so I brought secretly only one book and hide it into my jacket and read only when she was not at home She screamed, she said I am useless. I had to wear the same clothes for at least one week, and make my own meals . When we had guests, my mother took every chance to compare me with other children and said to me , look how intelligent and fine girls they are, you cannot be like them, you are useless, the hard thing was not, that what she said, but that she did these things always in front of these people. She liked to punish me mentally and physically as much and often she can. I developed obsessive body and hand washing, fingernails biting, my mother thought, I was hearing voices. I said No, but she insisted for ex-ing the devil out of me. She went to exorcists and they gave her some water and I had to drink it for a period of time. This was so shameful for me. I had no voices of devils in me. I spoke a lot of with God, hoping that he would take me back, but my prayers were not accepted, I cried a lot. But I loved God so much. I got a very very old bike and people said, oh one day it will brake while she is riding! There was a wide agriculture field and I rode the path for the big field machines. I loved to ride into the golden and big sun when it was deep in the horizon. That comforted me so much.
When I was about 10 years old, I had my first suicide thoughts, I choose time and place and which kind of technique, but never could do it, because God forbid it.
I went to mosque, were I learned the Arabic alphabet and how to read the holy kuran, but never ever I heard of prayers where suicide would be a sin. I just knew only God allows about life. I had a lot of head aches and depressions. I cried often. I was a pale girl.
I loved to sit in the classroom and if the teacher asked something I gave my neighbours the answer and they gave the answer to the teacher. My classmate thought I am crazy and didn’t want to play with me. But it was a pleasure for me, to see that the teacher liked my classmates. This thing to help each other and make feel good, to integrate the outsiders always was my intention and still it is today. If new classmates came, I had cared for them, mostly the first two month, then they dropped me, because I was not like the other kids, I was too boring because I was not competitive. In many fields in my life is the urgent need to unite different people.
I explained so much about my childhood because in that time, something happened and I thought it was of my depressions.
When I went to bed, before I sleep I am in a space-time-place. It is very very dark, I am in the middle of that. There are two thicker and two softer long lines, diagonal and in brownish glowing color. They move slowly, its vibrating. This place is full and full with energy. I don’t know how I get there. I don’t know how to get out there and that is frightening me very much. The more I make me small to get away, the more I feel cornered. I don’t know how, but I get out of there.
This happens very often and gets less when I was a teenager. Since years I didn’t experienced it again. But other “dreams” instead. As I said I thought that was a symptom of being so abused, neglected and my mother saying that I am a bad girl and I concluded that this happens to me, so I will be punished for being bad. I was a daydreamer, no, I was often “meditating” I know the word today, but that time I only knew to practice and without knowing how to call it.
Now I go on telling what happened in my life.
I loved to be with very different people and learn from them, and I overcome many of my disabilities. I liked specially to be with people older then me. I often feel the urgency to integrate different people, to integrate outsider, to make connection between different people.
My older sisters went to turkey and when I was 12 years my parents send me too, There, my older sister punished me a lot, but it was better then to stay with my parents, I overcome there the obsessive washing, fingernail biting and suicide thoughts. I loved to watch the sky and stars, the golden sunset, this is a really spiritual moment for me every time, not a romantic as for most people. I start to pray to God when I see the Golden Light. Astronomy, science and religion, history and literature was so interesting for me instead to try to find a boyfriend, or think about fashion, or spread gossips.
I was send to a school in Turkey which teaches religion too, and in that period, 1989, it was not welcomed by the Government. Turkey is in that time very aggressive to religious schools, because Turkey practices laizistic politic, to separate religion from state, so the school which I went, was a poor school, because the rich and educated never send their school to the school I went. The school type names itself Ministry and Preacher Schools. The school you went is important to the society and is asked everywhere. So I was not allowed by the public library to have an user card. Who is religious is marked as terrorist. Today it is a little better, but in that time it was harder for these children. My grandfather died, so my sisters and I had to go back to Germany to my parents! After two years I returned back. Actually I fantasized to leave school in turkey and become a muslim nun, but that is not possible for woman and so I wanted to work in private institution teaching seminary for children as a religion teacher. And even if it would be possible my parents would not allowed me.
The trauma went further. My family lives isolated from the society, very hateful towards european, arrogant to the problems which muslim ignorant create, asocial and my mother is still hating me. She is so jealous to me. While she married my older sisters against their will to siblings of my family, I went to college and my sisters hate me.
Against the will of my parents and sisters, still they said to me you are stupid and dump, you will never make it to a secondary school, I tried, I said please I want to try! They made fun of me a lot. They scared, that they would loose their might about me if I study, learn and can argue against their stupid arguments.
When I went to secondary school, I jobbed in a nursing home at weekends in the mornings and I looked after my younger sister, brother, help them with their homework, instead like my older sisters, I wanted to give my younger sister and brother every chance for better education, go with them or go alone to the parent evening at school, do housekeeping, because my mother said this is the job of the good Turkish girls at home and the mothers sit in front of television.
She said to me if you do not clean kitchen good, the devil will eat the food and be strong! But she ate often in the kitchen and let all the crumbles of bread lay there. I want to tell you, that in every thing she said and how she behave, she was so cruel to me, but righteous to herself, and excuses with stupid arguments her lazy.
We moved again into another town and I had the wish to go to secondary school, but I was in another school system, my teachers and head of school said, that I had to pass a test to be allowed to go to secondary school. And this test was hard, they said, your marks are not good enough, and the test is very hard. 98 % of tested fail. The test lasted five days and six hours a day in a school. No one could believe I made it. This test exist no more, if you want to go to secondary school, you must have very good marks.
We lived near Frankfurt, where many Turkish, Moroc people live and schools had image problems, our school wanted to have less foreign students as possible at college. I was the only Turkish student in secondary school. So I felt not welcomed at school, not by my classmates, because my family insist that I wear sheet on my head to veil my hairs. I felt at home not welcomed, I was everywhere a loser and closed out.
When I finished school, they could not believe that, even they made my life hard, I managed it. The head of school didn’t gratulate me, he said only, I thought you cannot make it.
My family forbid me to study medicine. They said that I was too stupid and I will not make it, and that I shall stay at home and do housekeeping.
My oldest sister is a leader type and fundamentalist. She is very talented in rhetoric and she has charisma, she influenced a lot my parents. My father wanted only her to study medicine but even she had extreme good marks, she could not pass the university tests in turkey. He forbid her to study other things, which he explained as, that would be a sin. So this is the schizophrenia of my parents, father and mother. Totally judging what sin is and what not, is based on their own egoistic needs and wants. But they make their arguments so, that it sounds as if it is the true islam. What a shame!!! My older sisters was traumatized and sad. Both were married against their will. So she was very jealous when I wanted to study medicine. What was wrong for me to study medicine? So I was scared if I do not go on with something, they will marry me to someone. I started with study biology, but my family kept making my life hard as possible and to bring me away from being good at university, but I was good. My parents believed if you agree with the science of biology you will fall from your religion, so they saw me as evil-full. They hate me. But I only saw what God has created and how beautiful everything works from genetic to ecology.
My mother talked two times in my presence towards different Turkish neighbours, she said to them, could you talk to her, that she stops studying, what a waste that is!!! I was shocked! So this is, what she thinks!
Once there was a Turkish news about a 13 year old girl in south Turkey who was sexually abused from her elder cousin, she got pregnant, her parents went with her to Istanbul to deliver the baby, after that they shoot her in the clinic because she ‘disgraced’ her family and was ‘sinful’. My mother saw the dramatic news and her comment was, “Very good, such sin must be cleaned with death!” I was so shocked, I went somewhere to be alone and cried. I cant believe that she has nothing human in her. In islam it is not the victims fault when she got violently raped. So you know what I mean, there was no way to talk to them about right and wrong or humanity. There were so many other happenings, I can write a book.
I had not enough money to go on with study biology at the university, I drop after three years, even though I had jobs.
When I was in secondary school, I jobbed in a nursing home. My family criticized me when I said I want to become a nurse. My older sister said ”To study nursing is sin! There are males you must touch and that is sin! You may not go out work in the evening shift, that is sin…..and because you are so full of sins and be a bad female, No One Will Ever Want You To Merry!” She said this in front of my parents , other sisters and my uncle. They did not said anything, because she is so powerful in her appearance and her opinion fits to the egoistic thought of my parents. She was so jealous and forbid me, the sad thing is that, she is a preacher and Islamic teacher in the town of my parents, teaching other women and girl Islam!
I got the chance to become nurse, every step of making progress in education from secondary school to university and nursing school, I stepped toward God and away from my family and their mind.
When I was nursing student, I heard of the Book of R. Moody but that was all. Germany has no place for spirituality in hospitals, even speaking of it, is not welcome. It is a tabu and should not be discussed. My patients at hospital saw my sheet on my head, and they thought I was a higher nurse, I wore it like a cappy, when they asked, I explained that this sheet is traditional muslim woman cloth, to show God respect, so they had someone to talk about life and afterlife, death and sense in living. I felt the big need in hospitals for more spirituality. My teaching nurses kept me lot of occupied. In every station I worked, the feedback was so good and my nursing teacher and the colleges gave me a lot to learn, they thought that I was extraordinary. After two years, I understood, that they found in me a really interesting student, and that they all had the need in them, to train me very intensive. But I got exhaust.
In that time, I witnessed something interesting I want to tell you. I had a patient, older woman, who had surgery one day ago, and everything was fine, her blood samples were ok, she ate and drank. But one thing was different. She sat in her bed and smiled so happy. She showed everyone the room ceiling and said: oooh that’s beautiful!!! I said: I cannot see, what do you see! And she said: ohhh these colors, and the ships, beautiful!!! She was so happy, she wanted to get there. She was generous and gave her money away. The teachers said, this was the after effect of narcotics.
I doubt it.
After I examinated and become a nurse I needed to go away from my family. They are fundamentalist and traditionalist. My mother wants to choose a husband for me and live in the absolute control of my older sisters. And I was open minded and interested in astronomy, metaphysics. Once I lend out a telescope and watched the stars and planets, which is amazing, but my parents said, I shall quit these time wasting. I loved classic music, history of art, literature. I was not allowed to have friends, because my parents said, that they are, which meant who is not from my family and under their control, evil. I wanted to listen to classic music, to paint and so on, but every creativity was evil, waste of time and money, and sin. So I did some but only when no one watched and I destroyed my paintings or written poems. To study nursing had healed some of my wounds in my soul.
I had to go away and hide somewhere. As I was raised in the abusive way, I had low self-confidence and was very angrey, fearful and shy. How I managed to escape my families intensive control, today I still wonder how.
I left my family, who would never allowed me to live on my own. I fled. They don’t know where I live and I have protection from police.
I wanted to study medicine and went to another city to study, but I didn’t get a job as a nurse. I got a weekend job in mobile care in another city far away, which was near to Frankfurt, the area where my family lives. I was a little scared to work there, but I had no other chance to get a job, where I studied is a little city with rare jobs. I had to work hard, my back was injured but still kept traveling between two cities working and studying.
After I couldn’t afford me my medicine study at the university, I got depressed again and I had searched in the internet about depression and suicide. After less than five minutes, I got a link to near death and I read some. At first, the classic nde had nothing to do with me. But when I red after long time, that nde happens to babies too and that surprisingly the grown ups remember, or never forget, I felt really understood. First time I ever felt “home” was then after 28 years, I cried a lot of joy!
I had a big problem with my religion because I was taught, that who is not muslim will never see paradise. I could not handle this. I have the urgent need to integrate and live in peaceful coexistence and learn from each other. I have problem with some rituals in religion, not all, which are so empty for me, like in islam often practiced. I feel not closer to God or it does not help me. I quit these empty occupations, and look for deeds, in which I can help people and touch their life in positive way, and Gods energy flows through everyone. That is important for me. When I was young, about 15, the preacher in Turkish community told how the paradise will be, and he spoke only to the male. He told there are gardens and treasures, beautiful virgins who wait them, and I thought, wow, sitting in the garden for the rest of my life and doing nothing? That made me conclude, we can only take what we learned, I shall learn as much as I can, so I can occupy myself with what I learned, so I was sad, I cannot take my books with me, heaven would be a little boring for me! lol
But after 28 years, I read a lot of nde and that my sorrow for humankind was not a problem. I overcome that Islam is not the only truth. I went to Christian communities and heard the same prayers as the Islamic prayers. I read about Buddha and his life and so on. (I had quit the traditional dresses on the day I fled in 2004.) What is important is your intention and do good deeds without classifying in evil and good, without judging, help everyone and do not bother about religion. Love is the only important thing. (and books, for me, lol) I understand now better all the different religions, God is not only in God houses, like church, synagogues or mosques, I was taught Allah is everywhere, so I understand religions who say in the river Or tree or fields or bushes, there is the Spirit. I understand why they have many “Gods” and what they believe, The spirit of Lord is everywhere. All religions have the same goal and express their love and prayers, their praise and worship with their own abilities, with their own cultural background and with their own capacities. I understand now why people praise the rising sun at morning and pray to fires. Wasn’t I praying to God while riding to the big and golden sunsets?! Looking back, many things are obvious to me today. I love the month September, and its sunlight color, and maybe I liked it all the time because I had then my “second birthday” Sometimes I go to Christian protestant prayer at Sunday, Because they sing there beautiful songs about Lord. Every institution, religion, school, family who wants to integrate people in their world by accepting their own little totalitarian truthes and make you submissive to their rules by quitting human rights are on the longer journey, they are not wrong but they must learn to find the best way, the highway to God, and not the way which looks like labyrinth.
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I found out, that I share some of the aftereffects of NDE
I read your books , one is very important to me, because I never felt till I read your book understood, it is so amazing for me, that I am not the only one!
I read The New Children and NDE.
I had read the one of Kenneth Ring (Lessons from the Light) and Melvin Morse (Transformed by the Light). I have others read too, the second from Dr. Moody. So I thought that I will not find much new information, but do you want to know why I bought your book? Because it is about childhood, AND it shows a wonderful picture, Yes, the light in this picture of the cover. I felt just saying to me: BUY ME I GIVE ANSWERS! Really, ha ha ha
AND IT DOES!!!
I have high opinion of your style and how you build up the contents, Easy to read and understand. Your style is professional and friendly, objective and warming, While Dr Ring try to speak as an objective scientist, suddenly he burst in enthusiasm, and that is a little irritating, I highly respect his work, which is one of the most important, but I want to say, that your style shows your heart and professional attitude, that is amazing. I learned at the university how to criticize studies, or what the inclination of an author is, I was raised in two different worlds, the Turkish and the German, and I am sensible to the goals of the politic authors, what does a newspaper write or a book wants from me. There are many manipulating ones, they may be right with their opinion but how they set up their opinion, it is not the good way. Honestly. I love books and my heard aches when to books happen something, but one book I throw away, it was from Dr. Sabom, about nde, and once I read, I couldn’t believe his aggression! I was shocked and very sad.
I feel joy when I imagine that there are many many children and grown-up who would understand me!
I had always interest in neurobiology, which I wanted to study, but in that time, neurobiology was not offered in Frankfurt, because I only heard and read in that time that human can not remember their time as baby, like 6 month old or so. I thought, why can I remember, and how is the brain working, what is cognition, consciousness.
Later I wanted to study Neurology and human medicine, but my financial situation is not allowing me.
When I started studying nursing, I went to two psychotherapists, In the region I live are non Turkish therapists. One , german woman, could not understand the problems who people from Turkish culture had and she could not understand that a mother could abandon and abuse her child. She could not handle my “intranational” which means problems of Turkish traditions, that is ok for me, but she could also not handle my “international” problems, this has nothing to do with Turkish tradition, if a parent is violent. So I quit her, I went to another therapist. The second therapist said, you are studying nursing, and you can speak german, so why do you have problems? When they can not understand international or intranational common problems, how can I go to a therapist and say, I had so weird experiences as a baby and as a child? I talked to a psychologist, female, but she said, that she can not help me, because she is only working for women rights, and not children or culture problems. I talked to a neurologist, he said that he has no time for me, but he can describe me psychopharmaca. While learning nursing, Nursing is in Germany not High school, it has the same level as secondary school, well while learning nursing, I had take all my power to go search for help, I tried four times and was four times rejected. My family made it harder too, they said after they found out that I went to “head and crazy-ness” doctors, what have we done to you?! You are exaggerating, and lie. I had never ever the courage to say a word against my parents or older sisters, they said, to speak, argue against your older family member is sin, you must obey. My oldest sister, who is at weekend preacher, had often sat me in a corner and stood in front of me for violent and hateful monologues, how bad I am, and that I should obey the traditions. It was usual, that such a brainwash session lasted 3-4 hours. My family wanted to wash my brain, they said to me, I shall be more modest and that I will go to hell. They wanted me submissive I understand today. They wanted me not modest, true modesty has nothing to do with submissive. What was my “mistake”: I bought Books, yeah, science and literature, I watched nature documentation, I didn’t participate their hateful conversation when they damned all non muslims. Today I understand, that God wants us modest but not submissive. We shall be grateful and we shall celebrate our existence.
I wish I could study medicine or psychology, because people trust me their deepest and secret problems, and later when we met again, they said, that I had helped them, not their physician or psychotherapist.
I have listed symptoms, which I have and other nder have:
My intuition is high. I have high empathy. I sense phone calls, which is nerving. I don’t use phones anymore. Thanks to e-mails. I have an aversion against sun at midday, although I am from turkey and Mediterranean, in summer, I got extreme quick sunburns and I get red like a tomato, I am allergic and I have psychological effects like depression and get nausea when I stay too long at midday sun, when it is like “White”, but late afternoon, it is ok. Because I avoided always the midday sun, and live in nights, my family laughed at me.
I attract animals, like cats and dogs, they come to me, while they are out with their master. As I worked a lot in the homecare, I met a lot of dogs I never saw before, who were running enthusiast full to me and jumping to greet me, but some times I thought, they see maybe invisible things or beings around me, because I cannot think , that they want “me”, while working I prayed much, because I drove fast not to be late, ha ha ha, and I asked for protection angels for me and my patients. Then they lay on their back, legs up, so I touch their tummy! While working I took care to use every time when needed disinfection fluids on my hands and arms, and they stink, I cannot imagine that cats and dogs like that. When I visited a student at home, they had an old male cat, who never needed crowd or liked to be touched, they said this to me, so I shall not try to touch him. I sat on a chair and my legs were up on another chair. While talking I felt a warm feeling on my legs. The cat sat there on my legs, his head on my legs. The girl I visited said, “He never went to someone and wanted body contact! She was so surprised! The cat sat there nearly one hour, I enjoyed his company but my legs got stiff, I had to move my leg a little, and the cat jumped and went.
I sense knowledge about people but never to use it for my own egoistic need. I get sometimes information. These are not use full for me. But I get them. They are really annoying sometime
Once I was invited to a student party and there we sat in a group, a boy and a girl started to tell, that they had some days ago, in their shared apartment a two-man-party and they turned music loud, and while I listened, I felt their joy and how they danced in their home to a Queen song, and I wanted to verify my ‘knowledge’ and I blurted out with happiness, because I felt their joy, ‘So you danced to ‘I want to break free!’ They said only music, not what kind or witch group and the whole room silenced and the boy and girl looked shocked and said ‘yes!” and after that they avoided me the evening…
. But one was really important, so I want to tell you.
“BE READY. TRAFFIC ACCIDENT” Ha, what a fantasy right? Ok, ignore it. Then again, the same info, I ignore it. Then again, the same info, the more I ignore the clearer it gets. I laughed at myself, for my fantasy, but I knew it was not my fantasy. I was getting schizophrenic, ha ha. I knew just that there will be a traffic accident, and I shall be there when it happens. I thought, why me, my knowledge is not enough to help, I took the info now serious and I took out my anatomy book, then I put it away. What shall I repeat, when I don’t know which injuries I will find, or inner injuries I can’t see. I accept the info and promised to be there. The info never came back. Then I didn’t think about it anymore.
After 2 or 3 weeks, I was working in the home care and I finished my work. The weird thing is, that I had for over one year my own route, with my own patients. But this weekend, I had to work a different route, with other patients and I had a patient in Frankfurt, so I drove there. And normally there is a time schedule, which shows which time I have to be by my patients. It is ok if you are maximum 15 minutes early or late from the appointment time. But I was one hour too late! I was always in time, but this day I was so late. It had not with the different route, but with a patient I had before. Suddenly the son of my patient comes in the house and he is very relaxed. He says: On the street was a traffic accident, a woman was hit, she is still laying there! I was shocked that he was somehow amused. I ran out, not thinking twice, my mobile phone in my hand ready to call emergency staff. The accident happened in a very high traffic street in a big city. The cars, busses stood still. There would be a long line, the ambulance had no chance to come here. It was softly raining, two men and three women stood on sidewalk and watched. That’s all. They had called ambulance and waited. I checked the woman and I asked for plaids to cover her body to prevent shock, she lay and had lots of pains, couldn’t move. Then one woman drive away, I ordered the two men to be traffic controller and wave the cars and busses to pass bye, so the ambulance had chance to come to us. I ordered the two women to stay in front of the woman and me, so the passing cars would keep distance from us, because she lay on the car street. I didn’t want to move her from that place, who knows what injuries she had, and she was in much pain. The two men offered me help to move her to the side walk, and I said, no, it is too risky for her health. I talked to the patient and talked to her and even we were in the city, there was non, really non watchers, no sidewalk people, you know, this was so interesting, no one , no driver who passed us, looked to us. I really wondered. Normally, when an accident happens, people seem so attracted by the sensational happening. While I spoke to her, a driver really had his head turned to me, like he had not turned his head. It was more like, his body too. So he looked to me, right in my eyes, very long and very intense. He looked like an Hindu, he had huge black eyes. You know what, then he nodded and was satisfied, he was satisfied, saying well done. I automatically nodded back, as saying, I’ve it under control. And he drove away. At that moment I didn’t thought about it. I just was hoping not to loose my patient. After the ambulance arrived, and police too, I drove to my next patient, hoping not to be too late for him.
In the evening, I suddenly remembered the man and that he nodded. You know that is so strange. Then I remembered the intensive info in my head and that it was real! I was relieved, that it was over. Even I had not make a by-pass heard surgery or brain surgery, still he was satisfied. I promised to be there and I was there.
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So these are my little experiences. I don’t know how long I can make it, but before I go, I thought I should share my story.
The experiences I red comforted me and I could comprehend what happened to me and how it had effected my life. When I lived with my family, people said that I was different then my parents and sisters. I didn’t believe like they did, I didn’t shared their interpretation of islam and tradition. I was open minded and welcomed every opinion and believe in the human rights. My goals in life and my decisions are full made of the way I experienced God.
I feel very isolated from my environment. I feel very lonely. People can’t accept the paradox, that confuse them. The tradition of European science has only place for one truth, but higher dimensions and higher truths, yes, different truths is very hard to understand. They think bad of someone who shares knowledge, or money, they think, that such people are not intelligent, because if they would be intelligent, they would keep their secrets for their own success. This is so childish.
This is too far going now.
To work in field where spirituality is needed like in medicine or psychotherapy would make me happy. I tried to find a job as a nurse but these days it is difficult in germany, because the health insurances do not pay as in the past times anymore, clinic budgets are cut and the clinics close or minimize their stations, they minimize their medical staff. Because of my back injuries (between vertebrae and the intercostal joint) I have difficulty to work as a nurse, I am a short person and I cant nurse overweight or immobile or paralyzed patients, who are most longer, and higher then me. I cant hold them or carry out and into bed or wheel chair. Yes, there are “lifts” but you can not use them every time and in every household. Every time I breath in, the ribcage gets up and I feel a pain like knife stabbing, I went naturally to orthopedic doctor and physiotherapist could also not help me. I refuse to take painkillers, I try slight yoga and I meditate.
As I said, I wanted to thank you so much for your brilliant book and wonderful home page. I started to read through your work.
I’m sorry, if some things are not clear, I can’t it describe better, I couldn’t describe it better in German or Turkish
I had another symptom while in elementary school time. This symptom faded when I was from my family away in turkey.
I always felt a rope thing from me coming.
For example:
I am at home. If I go out and go under a bridge and turn back but this time over the bridge, I thought that, the rope would be around the bridge and I could not get it back. Naturally this is not a real rope, but I felt one, so I made my theory with this rope thing. Each time I go out and go to places where this rope could be hanging on something as if it a real rope, and I could not get it back, I had difficulties with breathing because I had panic, that this rope would be destroyed.
For example my family drove to somewhere and drive under a bridge my rope grew, after we turned from that place back and this time another way, not back through the bridge, I feel so in panic, that I cant get the rope correctly back , I thought, that it will be a nod mess thing like a real rope. I had panic, but never ever told anyone.
Today I feel a big, a very big weight is taken away, especially after I read the nde homepages and books, I am interested in exploring and reading themes about “Reality and Realms” I wished in my past to have a therapist or counsellor who could I talk to, if I had talked to my family, they would marking me as possessed by devils. So I think it is very important for every experiencer who are mistreated by families, doctors, psychological therapists, that they have access to nde books, so they can, as I did it with myself at least therapy themselves. I am very grateful to every work on this field, to every author, to every experiencer, who share their experience, I feel, that through via internet, souls can comprehend faster, and make more progress in growing.
From some NDEs I found out that what I learned in Islam, is experienced by non muslims too,
Soul gets in the pregnant women when the baby is six month old, (but that doesn’t mean ONLY)
The Saudi arabs have a sword in their flag as a symbol, because God created Paradise under the shadow of a Sword, (I read an nde who saw a sword in a heavenly place, now I understand this )
You collect through life points, like good done points, and if you do bad things, the points for negative deeds will be subtracted from your good points. (good deed Helal, or Halal (allowed) and bad deed Haram, as Forbidden)
The life review is not foreign to me, because in islam I was taught, that when you die and stay in front of God`s court, you see your whole life like a movie and you see all effects, this includes not only living creatures , but also un-living, like table, glass, knife. If you abused a knife for murdering example, the “Consciousness” of this knife will say “you cannot hide what you have done with me, I tell how you used me!” Or the “Book Consciousness” will speak for me, “She was good, because she read from me and learned”.
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Since I experienced a vibration while meditating, I have now sometimes this vibration even I don’t meditate
I was laying awake in my bed, midday At first I thought ohh, earthquake!
But no, then I thought, on the street must be some heavy machines working!
But no, then I thought, maybe it is my neighbour, but no!
While I am typing, I sit like a lotus position and from my belly is a rumble, vibration spreading, but not in my head part, because I don’t allow it there.
From where does it come, One evening, it felt like it grew from my belly and in the same time, I get a stream of energy from my environment through my lower back, into my belly and there the both vibration mix together and spread up to my chest and arms and from my belly to my legs.
If I lay in my bed still, the vibration was intense and I could not concentrate to other things or relax to sleep
For two days ago, I wanted to wash my hands and I couldn’t concentrate to take fluid soap and rinse my hands because the vibration was strong.
I checked if this was gas in my digest system, non, Is it not really an earthquake, Is it an organic problem, like Parkinson , no , no shakings, It is not multiple sclerosis, non, I wanted to check it, because I had a patient, with progressed m.s. who had eye movements from side to side.
I have put a glass of water on the ground, to see if the house vibrates, but no.
I wanted the reason why I feel vibration, and then I thought, what had happened In the last time.
As 2005 I found out the nde webpages I prayed, that Lord, Love and Light, that I need protection and I want to feel physical him, I wished from him to feel him on my left arm.
Since then I feel a warm sensation. Imagine your arm is taking sun bath. Then time came, it was so intense, my skin is not hot, color ok, blood circulation ok, but it is sooo intense, I prayed that it shall stop, and it stopped, then I missed it. So I prayed, I need to feel my Lord and it came.
One night I was so sad, I cried and the intense feeling of my left arm came again, and it spread on my chest and colum and face, I was so overwhelmed. I said, thank you Lord, but it is too intense , please make it small again. So it shrank to my arm
Then I prayed, Lord I wish you would take me in your arms and hug me! I want so much hugh you! I want to feel you so much!
I had in the last month, always a scarf on my shoulders and one night I sat in front of my computer, I felt my long scarf around me, on my back, I had slight vibration in my torso and after three hours I thought, oh its warm here, I can take my scarf down, I wanted to touch it, but there I had no scarf! I thought, where is it, it must be fall down, aIso I looked around, I didn’t found the scarf and the warm feeling, as if I wear a warm jacket didn’t went.
Now as I type, I feel touched from my back and my belly vibrates, if I don’t move, it gets stronger, if I move my body, it gets slighter! I feel as if some one is hugging me from behind,
I don’t know if in Germany are counsellor for my experience because I searched and didn’t found.
I had at school a teacher she did with my class the muscle relaxing, where you imagine your arm is relaxed, heavy, warm etc, but I know how this feels and my experience is totally different.
The warm feeling comes from outside and not from my inside.
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I need to talk to someone, but the ones who know I am a nurse, say: You are a nurse, how shall I help you, when even a nurse can’t help herself. This answer comes from all kind of persons, like my ex psychotherapist, my ex house doctor,… Friends who had studied , one was a nurse herself and studied medicine with me, or others who didn’t studied. I give up searching because I have no money and no energy to search further. This is so irritating me, but I sense, that they don’t want to deal or waste their time with my different problems, like find a job, or talk about life philosophy. People want only happy ones around them. They don’t want to comfort me, they accept only my happy side, my smiling face. I cant go to the religious communities, because they don’t accept my truth, so they think I agree with sinful or evil thoughts. Because I was closed out so many times, I am so depressed. But many come to me, with their problems, which they even not told their own psychiatrist or family, about their thoughts, their experiences.
After I had finished school, I never wanted a job only for the money, I said to myself if my goals on earth would have been only to be rich, then I had studied economy or banking. So I went my idealistic path, but today I know without money you can not reach people and education. I can not unite all people who are different and can learn from each other, share knowledge and joy. So I sit now, my hands bound, watching earth turning, human hasting from one stupid goal to another, wasting their energy and possibilities and God watches me and all of us, watches what we think and how we act.
Thank you for reading this far, You and all worker in the nde field have sure helped many souls, I am sad, that in germany nde are not investigated like in usa, I wished to attend the program and classes. Here are not so much german nde related books. In fact I only know R. Moody Book in german language. That makes me sad, because only people with English knowledge can read all these wonderful books.
I pray and wish you for your future health, happiness, joy and much more success!
GOD BLESS YOU !
Good bye,
Emel
I want to share with you my little journey called life.
I’m sorry that I can’t express myself very well in English, and that, what I have experienced, is hard to describe, even if I was eloquent enough.
To understand the big picture, I need to tell you, that what happened before.
My parents, my two older sisters and me, moved from Turkey to Germany. This was 1976 when I was 6 month old. In Turkey, before my family begun their journey with me, I had fever. I was sick, but it was not known why.
On the journey, the fever increased. As soon as we landed in Germany I was in hospital. In the hospital my state was critical for at least three days, the fever was still high. The docs said, that there is hardly a chance that I would survive. They said, if I would survive, I would be mentally total handicapped, I would be an idiot.
Then it is getting interesting, or difficult.
The fever slowly went and I spend total 4 weeks in the hospital. After leaving the hospital the docs put me on a special nurturing diet, it was vegetarian. Why, I don’t know.
I ate a lot of carrots, but I loved the taste, lol.
I experienced my first trauma by gaining my earthly consciousness. After the good feeling, there was a cold and hard feeling.
I missed the good feeling.
After I was send home.
My parents took me to medical control to my doc. I must be so 7-1/2 month old.
I am on the right arm of my mother, my father is on the left side of my mother. We arrive to the examination room, for a very short moment I see golden light. Then I remember this good feeling was gold, lots of lots of golden light, and especially vibrations and lovely ticklish in my body! In the little moment as I see this light, I’m laughing so laud and full of happiness. My body is so full of energy. The great feeling to go back, the happiness to see my Light. I jump from my mothers arm in the arm of that X, I want to rejoin it again! I think I will fall into the happy light bath. In that moment as I am in her arms, I am sooo disappointed. The first trauma in my life! She was not the good feeling where I was. She was only a white dressed doc assistant with blond hair. OK to do her justice, she was nice and stroke me on my head, she smiled. But my laugh went. She felt like a puppet, like empty. My doc stays on the right side from her side. He is smiling and is a very nice man. Why was she not the Joy? The appearance of the nurse with white clothes and long blond hair made me remember this big Joy and Happyness, but as I jumped in her arms, I did not find the Love being.
Some years later, when I was 4 or 5 years, we visited in Turkey my siblings and my fathers sister, my aunt cried when she saw me, she hug me and said, that she thought I died because of the illness when I was a baby, and she kissed me and stroke me and didn’t want to let me go. My aunt had give me my name and she cared very much for me, she said to me, I slept with you till you left with your family. I remember very clear her joy to feel me. Because of her words, years later I asked my parents what my illness was and how I was treated, how long it went and so on. My parents are simple people from Anatolian poor farms, they didn’t understand the results of the medical diagnostics in that time, especially they had problems with the german language.
My memory is clear from age about 7 month.
My drama begins.
My mother is not really caring and I am so bored. To be conscious and nothing to do but laying on my back and once in a while getting fed. Day by day. My parents are traditionalists and my mother wished after having two girls, a boy, a son so that she can be proud. I know she rejected me, because I am a girl. Yes, in islam girls are valuable, but my parents mix their egoistic need, traditional opinion and traditional expectation.
As soon as I can crawl I discover my new friend, the outlet for electricity. I put my little finger on it and the ticklish feeling is at least on my fingers, I am so happy! I have haematom on my finger tips but that doesn’t bother me, my mother sees what I do, looks horrified and does nothing than looking, and I have my fun, I even speak to it! This thing feels alive and nice to me. I crawl to the kitchen window and I love to watch the Rhine-river because there seem to be endless light-sparkles in the water, when the sun shines. Today I know I meditate as a baby on that window by watching the river and light sparkles. I ask my parents to read and write with me between age one and two. I want soo much to learn. They were upset and gave me a pencil and newspaper to write on it, so I shut up. I am annoying them. That’s all. My sister is five years older then me, and she starts to go to school, I want so much learn too. But my parents are upset and I go on their nerves with my begging.
I had weird experiences when I get older. But before I tell you what, I tell you the circumstances I lived, because I thought for a long time, that the circumstances caused them.
When I was 3 years old, we move again and my mother cared lesser, my older sisters are send to Turkey back to my grandparents. I am raised as muslim and my mother believes that God is a punishing God, the hell is waiting for all the sinners. She said God knows everyone, so I wondered always, why she was scared. If God knows everything about me, why shall I be scared of hell?
She developed depression. She leaves me for hours alone at home not telling me when she comes back, or hits me a lot or locks me up in the bathroom, When my older sisters were in Germany, she was also very violent to them too. Once I remember when my mother used a fork on the arm of my sister, there was blood.
It was the time I went to elementary school. My mother knew hardly someone or had contact. I was isolated. I was very shy. My mother searched always things in my behavior to punish me. My father had two jobs, was less home and if he came, my mother told him things about me and he punished me with a metal stick, which was for the oven, this was happening too often.
My parents heard preaching of some fundamentalist. They said every thing which is made by Christ, atheist or non muslim hand, it is an evil thing and product, like television, European, or western music and movies and books and meals in the restaurants and so on. I loved to read, my mother told me to bring the books back because they were from the devil. I brought three or four books per 14 days because the mobile library bus came only every 14 days and I wanted so many books as I can carry home. My mother didn’t allowed me to read, so I brought secretly only one book and hide it into my jacket and read only when she was not at home She screamed, she said I am useless. I had to wear the same clothes for at least one week, and make my own meals . When we had guests, my mother took every chance to compare me with other children and said to me , look how intelligent and fine girls they are, you cannot be like them, you are useless, the hard thing was not, that what she said, but that she did these things always in front of these people. She liked to punish me mentally and physically as much and often she can. I developed obsessive body and hand washing, fingernails biting, my mother thought, I was hearing voices. I said No, but she insisted for ex-ing the devil out of me. She went to exorcists and they gave her some water and I had to drink it for a period of time. This was so shameful for me. I had no voices of devils in me. I spoke a lot of with God, hoping that he would take me back, but my prayers were not accepted, I cried a lot. But I loved God so much. I got a very very old bike and people said, oh one day it will brake while she is riding! There was a wide agriculture field and I rode the path for the big field machines. I loved to ride into the golden and big sun when it was deep in the horizon. That comforted me so much.
When I was about 10 years old, I had my first suicide thoughts, I choose time and place and which kind of technique, but never could do it, because God forbid it.
I went to mosque, were I learned the Arabic alphabet and how to read the holy kuran, but never ever I heard of prayers where suicide would be a sin. I just knew only God allows about life. I had a lot of head aches and depressions. I cried often. I was a pale girl.
I loved to sit in the classroom and if the teacher asked something I gave my neighbours the answer and they gave the answer to the teacher. My classmate thought I am crazy and didn’t want to play with me. But it was a pleasure for me, to see that the teacher liked my classmates. This thing to help each other and make feel good, to integrate the outsiders always was my intention and still it is today. If new classmates came, I had cared for them, mostly the first two month, then they dropped me, because I was not like the other kids, I was too boring because I was not competitive. In many fields in my life is the urgent need to unite different people.
I explained so much about my childhood because in that time, something happened and I thought it was of my depressions.
When I went to bed, before I sleep I am in a space-time-place. It is very very dark, I am in the middle of that. There are two thicker and two softer long lines, diagonal and in brownish glowing color. They move slowly, its vibrating. This place is full and full with energy. I don’t know how I get there. I don’t know how to get out there and that is frightening me very much. The more I make me small to get away, the more I feel cornered. I don’t know how, but I get out of there.
This happens very often and gets less when I was a teenager. Since years I didn’t experienced it again. But other “dreams” instead. As I said I thought that was a symptom of being so abused, neglected and my mother saying that I am a bad girl and I concluded that this happens to me, so I will be punished for being bad. I was a daydreamer, no, I was often “meditating” I know the word today, but that time I only knew to practice and without knowing how to call it.
Now I go on telling what happened in my life.
I loved to be with very different people and learn from them, and I overcome many of my disabilities. I liked specially to be with people older then me. I often feel the urgency to integrate different people, to integrate outsider, to make connection between different people.
My older sisters went to turkey and when I was 12 years my parents send me too, There, my older sister punished me a lot, but it was better then to stay with my parents, I overcome there the obsessive washing, fingernail biting and suicide thoughts. I loved to watch the sky and stars, the golden sunset, this is a really spiritual moment for me every time, not a romantic as for most people. I start to pray to God when I see the Golden Light. Astronomy, science and religion, history and literature was so interesting for me instead to try to find a boyfriend, or think about fashion, or spread gossips.
I was send to a school in Turkey which teaches religion too, and in that period, 1989, it was not welcomed by the Government. Turkey is in that time very aggressive to religious schools, because Turkey practices laizistic politic, to separate religion from state, so the school which I went, was a poor school, because the rich and educated never send their school to the school I went. The school type names itself Ministry and Preacher Schools. The school you went is important to the society and is asked everywhere. So I was not allowed by the public library to have an user card. Who is religious is marked as terrorist. Today it is a little better, but in that time it was harder for these children. My grandfather died, so my sisters and I had to go back to Germany to my parents! After two years I returned back. Actually I fantasized to leave school in turkey and become a muslim nun, but that is not possible for woman and so I wanted to work in private institution teaching seminary for children as a religion teacher. And even if it would be possible my parents would not allowed me.
The trauma went further. My family lives isolated from the society, very hateful towards european, arrogant to the problems which muslim ignorant create, asocial and my mother is still hating me. She is so jealous to me. While she married my older sisters against their will to siblings of my family, I went to college and my sisters hate me.
Against the will of my parents and sisters, still they said to me you are stupid and dump, you will never make it to a secondary school, I tried, I said please I want to try! They made fun of me a lot. They scared, that they would loose their might about me if I study, learn and can argue against their stupid arguments.
When I went to secondary school, I jobbed in a nursing home at weekends in the mornings and I looked after my younger sister, brother, help them with their homework, instead like my older sisters, I wanted to give my younger sister and brother every chance for better education, go with them or go alone to the parent evening at school, do housekeeping, because my mother said this is the job of the good Turkish girls at home and the mothers sit in front of television.
She said to me if you do not clean kitchen good, the devil will eat the food and be strong! But she ate often in the kitchen and let all the crumbles of bread lay there. I want to tell you, that in every thing she said and how she behave, she was so cruel to me, but righteous to herself, and excuses with stupid arguments her lazy.
We moved again into another town and I had the wish to go to secondary school, but I was in another school system, my teachers and head of school said, that I had to pass a test to be allowed to go to secondary school. And this test was hard, they said, your marks are not good enough, and the test is very hard. 98 % of tested fail. The test lasted five days and six hours a day in a school. No one could believe I made it. This test exist no more, if you want to go to secondary school, you must have very good marks.
We lived near Frankfurt, where many Turkish, Moroc people live and schools had image problems, our school wanted to have less foreign students as possible at college. I was the only Turkish student in secondary school. So I felt not welcomed at school, not by my classmates, because my family insist that I wear sheet on my head to veil my hairs. I felt at home not welcomed, I was everywhere a loser and closed out.
When I finished school, they could not believe that, even they made my life hard, I managed it. The head of school didn’t gratulate me, he said only, I thought you cannot make it.
My family forbid me to study medicine. They said that I was too stupid and I will not make it, and that I shall stay at home and do housekeeping.
My oldest sister is a leader type and fundamentalist. She is very talented in rhetoric and she has charisma, she influenced a lot my parents. My father wanted only her to study medicine but even she had extreme good marks, she could not pass the university tests in turkey. He forbid her to study other things, which he explained as, that would be a sin. So this is the schizophrenia of my parents, father and mother. Totally judging what sin is and what not, is based on their own egoistic needs and wants. But they make their arguments so, that it sounds as if it is the true islam. What a shame!!! My older sisters was traumatized and sad. Both were married against their will. So she was very jealous when I wanted to study medicine. What was wrong for me to study medicine? So I was scared if I do not go on with something, they will marry me to someone. I started with study biology, but my family kept making my life hard as possible and to bring me away from being good at university, but I was good. My parents believed if you agree with the science of biology you will fall from your religion, so they saw me as evil-full. They hate me. But I only saw what God has created and how beautiful everything works from genetic to ecology.
My mother talked two times in my presence towards different Turkish neighbours, she said to them, could you talk to her, that she stops studying, what a waste that is!!! I was shocked! So this is, what she thinks!
Once there was a Turkish news about a 13 year old girl in south Turkey who was sexually abused from her elder cousin, she got pregnant, her parents went with her to Istanbul to deliver the baby, after that they shoot her in the clinic because she ‘disgraced’ her family and was ‘sinful’. My mother saw the dramatic news and her comment was, “Very good, such sin must be cleaned with death!” I was so shocked, I went somewhere to be alone and cried. I cant believe that she has nothing human in her. In islam it is not the victims fault when she got violently raped. So you know what I mean, there was no way to talk to them about right and wrong or humanity. There were so many other happenings, I can write a book.
I had not enough money to go on with study biology at the university, I drop after three years, even though I had jobs.
When I was in secondary school, I jobbed in a nursing home. My family criticized me when I said I want to become a nurse. My older sister said ”To study nursing is sin! There are males you must touch and that is sin! You may not go out work in the evening shift, that is sin…..and because you are so full of sins and be a bad female, No One Will Ever Want You To Merry!” She said this in front of my parents , other sisters and my uncle. They did not said anything, because she is so powerful in her appearance and her opinion fits to the egoistic thought of my parents. She was so jealous and forbid me, the sad thing is that, she is a preacher and Islamic teacher in the town of my parents, teaching other women and girl Islam!
I got the chance to become nurse, every step of making progress in education from secondary school to university and nursing school, I stepped toward God and away from my family and their mind.
When I was nursing student, I heard of the Book of R. Moody but that was all. Germany has no place for spirituality in hospitals, even speaking of it, is not welcome. It is a tabu and should not be discussed. My patients at hospital saw my sheet on my head, and they thought I was a higher nurse, I wore it like a cappy, when they asked, I explained that this sheet is traditional muslim woman cloth, to show God respect, so they had someone to talk about life and afterlife, death and sense in living. I felt the big need in hospitals for more spirituality. My teaching nurses kept me lot of occupied. In every station I worked, the feedback was so good and my nursing teacher and the colleges gave me a lot to learn, they thought that I was extraordinary. After two years, I understood, that they found in me a really interesting student, and that they all had the need in them, to train me very intensive. But I got exhaust.
In that time, I witnessed something interesting I want to tell you. I had a patient, older woman, who had surgery one day ago, and everything was fine, her blood samples were ok, she ate and drank. But one thing was different. She sat in her bed and smiled so happy. She showed everyone the room ceiling and said: oooh that’s beautiful!!! I said: I cannot see, what do you see! And she said: ohhh these colors, and the ships, beautiful!!! She was so happy, she wanted to get there. She was generous and gave her money away. The teachers said, this was the after effect of narcotics.
I doubt it.
After I examinated and become a nurse I needed to go away from my family. They are fundamentalist and traditionalist. My mother wants to choose a husband for me and live in the absolute control of my older sisters. And I was open minded and interested in astronomy, metaphysics. Once I lend out a telescope and watched the stars and planets, which is amazing, but my parents said, I shall quit these time wasting. I loved classic music, history of art, literature. I was not allowed to have friends, because my parents said, that they are, which meant who is not from my family and under their control, evil. I wanted to listen to classic music, to paint and so on, but every creativity was evil, waste of time and money, and sin. So I did some but only when no one watched and I destroyed my paintings or written poems. To study nursing had healed some of my wounds in my soul.
I had to go away and hide somewhere. As I was raised in the abusive way, I had low self-confidence and was very angrey, fearful and shy. How I managed to escape my families intensive control, today I still wonder how.
I left my family, who would never allowed me to live on my own. I fled. They don’t know where I live and I have protection from police.
I wanted to study medicine and went to another city to study, but I didn’t get a job as a nurse. I got a weekend job in mobile care in another city far away, which was near to Frankfurt, the area where my family lives. I was a little scared to work there, but I had no other chance to get a job, where I studied is a little city with rare jobs. I had to work hard, my back was injured but still kept traveling between two cities working and studying.
After I couldn’t afford me my medicine study at the university, I got depressed again and I had searched in the internet about depression and suicide. After less than five minutes, I got a link to near death and I read some. At first, the classic nde had nothing to do with me. But when I red after long time, that nde happens to babies too and that surprisingly the grown ups remember, or never forget, I felt really understood. First time I ever felt “home” was then after 28 years, I cried a lot of joy!
I had a big problem with my religion because I was taught, that who is not muslim will never see paradise. I could not handle this. I have the urgent need to integrate and live in peaceful coexistence and learn from each other. I have problem with some rituals in religion, not all, which are so empty for me, like in islam often practiced. I feel not closer to God or it does not help me. I quit these empty occupations, and look for deeds, in which I can help people and touch their life in positive way, and Gods energy flows through everyone. That is important for me. When I was young, about 15, the preacher in Turkish community told how the paradise will be, and he spoke only to the male. He told there are gardens and treasures, beautiful virgins who wait them, and I thought, wow, sitting in the garden for the rest of my life and doing nothing? That made me conclude, we can only take what we learned, I shall learn as much as I can, so I can occupy myself with what I learned, so I was sad, I cannot take my books with me, heaven would be a little boring for me! lol
But after 28 years, I read a lot of nde and that my sorrow for humankind was not a problem. I overcome that Islam is not the only truth. I went to Christian communities and heard the same prayers as the Islamic prayers. I read about Buddha and his life and so on. (I had quit the traditional dresses on the day I fled in 2004.) What is important is your intention and do good deeds without classifying in evil and good, without judging, help everyone and do not bother about religion. Love is the only important thing. (and books, for me, lol) I understand now better all the different religions, God is not only in God houses, like church, synagogues or mosques, I was taught Allah is everywhere, so I understand religions who say in the river Or tree or fields or bushes, there is the Spirit. I understand why they have many “Gods” and what they believe, The spirit of Lord is everywhere. All religions have the same goal and express their love and prayers, their praise and worship with their own abilities, with their own cultural background and with their own capacities. I understand now why people praise the rising sun at morning and pray to fires. Wasn’t I praying to God while riding to the big and golden sunsets?! Looking back, many things are obvious to me today. I love the month September, and its sunlight color, and maybe I liked it all the time because I had then my “second birthday” Sometimes I go to Christian protestant prayer at Sunday, Because they sing there beautiful songs about Lord. Every institution, religion, school, family who wants to integrate people in their world by accepting their own little totalitarian truthes and make you submissive to their rules by quitting human rights are on the longer journey, they are not wrong but they must learn to find the best way, the highway to God, and not the way which looks like labyrinth.
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I found out, that I share some of the aftereffects of NDE
I read your books , one is very important to me, because I never felt till I read your book understood, it is so amazing for me, that I am not the only one!
I read The New Children and NDE.
I had read the one of Kenneth Ring (Lessons from the Light) and Melvin Morse (Transformed by the Light). I have others read too, the second from Dr. Moody. So I thought that I will not find much new information, but do you want to know why I bought your book? Because it is about childhood, AND it shows a wonderful picture, Yes, the light in this picture of the cover. I felt just saying to me: BUY ME I GIVE ANSWERS! Really, ha ha ha
AND IT DOES!!!
I have high opinion of your style and how you build up the contents, Easy to read and understand. Your style is professional and friendly, objective and warming, While Dr Ring try to speak as an objective scientist, suddenly he burst in enthusiasm, and that is a little irritating, I highly respect his work, which is one of the most important, but I want to say, that your style shows your heart and professional attitude, that is amazing. I learned at the university how to criticize studies, or what the inclination of an author is, I was raised in two different worlds, the Turkish and the German, and I am sensible to the goals of the politic authors, what does a newspaper write or a book wants from me. There are many manipulating ones, they may be right with their opinion but how they set up their opinion, it is not the good way. Honestly. I love books and my heard aches when to books happen something, but one book I throw away, it was from Dr. Sabom, about nde, and once I read, I couldn’t believe his aggression! I was shocked and very sad.
I feel joy when I imagine that there are many many children and grown-up who would understand me!
I had always interest in neurobiology, which I wanted to study, but in that time, neurobiology was not offered in Frankfurt, because I only heard and read in that time that human can not remember their time as baby, like 6 month old or so. I thought, why can I remember, and how is the brain working, what is cognition, consciousness.
Later I wanted to study Neurology and human medicine, but my financial situation is not allowing me.
When I started studying nursing, I went to two psychotherapists, In the region I live are non Turkish therapists. One , german woman, could not understand the problems who people from Turkish culture had and she could not understand that a mother could abandon and abuse her child. She could not handle my “intranational” which means problems of Turkish traditions, that is ok for me, but she could also not handle my “international” problems, this has nothing to do with Turkish tradition, if a parent is violent. So I quit her, I went to another therapist. The second therapist said, you are studying nursing, and you can speak german, so why do you have problems? When they can not understand international or intranational common problems, how can I go to a therapist and say, I had so weird experiences as a baby and as a child? I talked to a psychologist, female, but she said, that she can not help me, because she is only working for women rights, and not children or culture problems. I talked to a neurologist, he said that he has no time for me, but he can describe me psychopharmaca. While learning nursing, Nursing is in Germany not High school, it has the same level as secondary school, well while learning nursing, I had take all my power to go search for help, I tried four times and was four times rejected. My family made it harder too, they said after they found out that I went to “head and crazy-ness” doctors, what have we done to you?! You are exaggerating, and lie. I had never ever the courage to say a word against my parents or older sisters, they said, to speak, argue against your older family member is sin, you must obey. My oldest sister, who is at weekend preacher, had often sat me in a corner and stood in front of me for violent and hateful monologues, how bad I am, and that I should obey the traditions. It was usual, that such a brainwash session lasted 3-4 hours. My family wanted to wash my brain, they said to me, I shall be more modest and that I will go to hell. They wanted me submissive I understand today. They wanted me not modest, true modesty has nothing to do with submissive. What was my “mistake”: I bought Books, yeah, science and literature, I watched nature documentation, I didn’t participate their hateful conversation when they damned all non muslims. Today I understand, that God wants us modest but not submissive. We shall be grateful and we shall celebrate our existence.
I wish I could study medicine or psychology, because people trust me their deepest and secret problems, and later when we met again, they said, that I had helped them, not their physician or psychotherapist.
I have listed symptoms, which I have and other nder have:
My intuition is high. I have high empathy. I sense phone calls, which is nerving. I don’t use phones anymore. Thanks to e-mails. I have an aversion against sun at midday, although I am from turkey and Mediterranean, in summer, I got extreme quick sunburns and I get red like a tomato, I am allergic and I have psychological effects like depression and get nausea when I stay too long at midday sun, when it is like “White”, but late afternoon, it is ok. Because I avoided always the midday sun, and live in nights, my family laughed at me.
I attract animals, like cats and dogs, they come to me, while they are out with their master. As I worked a lot in the homecare, I met a lot of dogs I never saw before, who were running enthusiast full to me and jumping to greet me, but some times I thought, they see maybe invisible things or beings around me, because I cannot think , that they want “me”, while working I prayed much, because I drove fast not to be late, ha ha ha, and I asked for protection angels for me and my patients. Then they lay on their back, legs up, so I touch their tummy! While working I took care to use every time when needed disinfection fluids on my hands and arms, and they stink, I cannot imagine that cats and dogs like that. When I visited a student at home, they had an old male cat, who never needed crowd or liked to be touched, they said this to me, so I shall not try to touch him. I sat on a chair and my legs were up on another chair. While talking I felt a warm feeling on my legs. The cat sat there on my legs, his head on my legs. The girl I visited said, “He never went to someone and wanted body contact! She was so surprised! The cat sat there nearly one hour, I enjoyed his company but my legs got stiff, I had to move my leg a little, and the cat jumped and went.
I sense knowledge about people but never to use it for my own egoistic need. I get sometimes information. These are not use full for me. But I get them. They are really annoying sometime
Once I was invited to a student party and there we sat in a group, a boy and a girl started to tell, that they had some days ago, in their shared apartment a two-man-party and they turned music loud, and while I listened, I felt their joy and how they danced in their home to a Queen song, and I wanted to verify my ‘knowledge’ and I blurted out with happiness, because I felt their joy, ‘So you danced to ‘I want to break free!’ They said only music, not what kind or witch group and the whole room silenced and the boy and girl looked shocked and said ‘yes!” and after that they avoided me the evening…
. But one was really important, so I want to tell you.
“BE READY. TRAFFIC ACCIDENT” Ha, what a fantasy right? Ok, ignore it. Then again, the same info, I ignore it. Then again, the same info, the more I ignore the clearer it gets. I laughed at myself, for my fantasy, but I knew it was not my fantasy. I was getting schizophrenic, ha ha. I knew just that there will be a traffic accident, and I shall be there when it happens. I thought, why me, my knowledge is not enough to help, I took the info now serious and I took out my anatomy book, then I put it away. What shall I repeat, when I don’t know which injuries I will find, or inner injuries I can’t see. I accept the info and promised to be there. The info never came back. Then I didn’t think about it anymore.
After 2 or 3 weeks, I was working in the home care and I finished my work. The weird thing is, that I had for over one year my own route, with my own patients. But this weekend, I had to work a different route, with other patients and I had a patient in Frankfurt, so I drove there. And normally there is a time schedule, which shows which time I have to be by my patients. It is ok if you are maximum 15 minutes early or late from the appointment time. But I was one hour too late! I was always in time, but this day I was so late. It had not with the different route, but with a patient I had before. Suddenly the son of my patient comes in the house and he is very relaxed. He says: On the street was a traffic accident, a woman was hit, she is still laying there! I was shocked that he was somehow amused. I ran out, not thinking twice, my mobile phone in my hand ready to call emergency staff. The accident happened in a very high traffic street in a big city. The cars, busses stood still. There would be a long line, the ambulance had no chance to come here. It was softly raining, two men and three women stood on sidewalk and watched. That’s all. They had called ambulance and waited. I checked the woman and I asked for plaids to cover her body to prevent shock, she lay and had lots of pains, couldn’t move. Then one woman drive away, I ordered the two men to be traffic controller and wave the cars and busses to pass bye, so the ambulance had chance to come to us. I ordered the two women to stay in front of the woman and me, so the passing cars would keep distance from us, because she lay on the car street. I didn’t want to move her from that place, who knows what injuries she had, and she was in much pain. The two men offered me help to move her to the side walk, and I said, no, it is too risky for her health. I talked to the patient and talked to her and even we were in the city, there was non, really non watchers, no sidewalk people, you know, this was so interesting, no one , no driver who passed us, looked to us. I really wondered. Normally, when an accident happens, people seem so attracted by the sensational happening. While I spoke to her, a driver really had his head turned to me, like he had not turned his head. It was more like, his body too. So he looked to me, right in my eyes, very long and very intense. He looked like an Hindu, he had huge black eyes. You know what, then he nodded and was satisfied, he was satisfied, saying well done. I automatically nodded back, as saying, I’ve it under control. And he drove away. At that moment I didn’t thought about it. I just was hoping not to loose my patient. After the ambulance arrived, and police too, I drove to my next patient, hoping not to be too late for him.
In the evening, I suddenly remembered the man and that he nodded. You know that is so strange. Then I remembered the intensive info in my head and that it was real! I was relieved, that it was over. Even I had not make a by-pass heard surgery or brain surgery, still he was satisfied. I promised to be there and I was there.
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So these are my little experiences. I don’t know how long I can make it, but before I go, I thought I should share my story.
The experiences I red comforted me and I could comprehend what happened to me and how it had effected my life. When I lived with my family, people said that I was different then my parents and sisters. I didn’t believe like they did, I didn’t shared their interpretation of islam and tradition. I was open minded and welcomed every opinion and believe in the human rights. My goals in life and my decisions are full made of the way I experienced God.
I feel very isolated from my environment. I feel very lonely. People can’t accept the paradox, that confuse them. The tradition of European science has only place for one truth, but higher dimensions and higher truths, yes, different truths is very hard to understand. They think bad of someone who shares knowledge, or money, they think, that such people are not intelligent, because if they would be intelligent, they would keep their secrets for their own success. This is so childish.
This is too far going now.
To work in field where spirituality is needed like in medicine or psychotherapy would make me happy. I tried to find a job as a nurse but these days it is difficult in germany, because the health insurances do not pay as in the past times anymore, clinic budgets are cut and the clinics close or minimize their stations, they minimize their medical staff. Because of my back injuries (between vertebrae and the intercostal joint) I have difficulty to work as a nurse, I am a short person and I cant nurse overweight or immobile or paralyzed patients, who are most longer, and higher then me. I cant hold them or carry out and into bed or wheel chair. Yes, there are “lifts” but you can not use them every time and in every household. Every time I breath in, the ribcage gets up and I feel a pain like knife stabbing, I went naturally to orthopedic doctor and physiotherapist could also not help me. I refuse to take painkillers, I try slight yoga and I meditate.
As I said, I wanted to thank you so much for your brilliant book and wonderful home page. I started to read through your work.
I’m sorry, if some things are not clear, I can’t it describe better, I couldn’t describe it better in German or Turkish
I had another symptom while in elementary school time. This symptom faded when I was from my family away in turkey.
I always felt a rope thing from me coming.
For example:
I am at home. If I go out and go under a bridge and turn back but this time over the bridge, I thought that, the rope would be around the bridge and I could not get it back. Naturally this is not a real rope, but I felt one, so I made my theory with this rope thing. Each time I go out and go to places where this rope could be hanging on something as if it a real rope, and I could not get it back, I had difficulties with breathing because I had panic, that this rope would be destroyed.
For example my family drove to somewhere and drive under a bridge my rope grew, after we turned from that place back and this time another way, not back through the bridge, I feel so in panic, that I cant get the rope correctly back , I thought, that it will be a nod mess thing like a real rope. I had panic, but never ever told anyone.
Today I feel a big, a very big weight is taken away, especially after I read the nde homepages and books, I am interested in exploring and reading themes about “Reality and Realms” I wished in my past to have a therapist or counsellor who could I talk to, if I had talked to my family, they would marking me as possessed by devils. So I think it is very important for every experiencer who are mistreated by families, doctors, psychological therapists, that they have access to nde books, so they can, as I did it with myself at least therapy themselves. I am very grateful to every work on this field, to every author, to every experiencer, who share their experience, I feel, that through via internet, souls can comprehend faster, and make more progress in growing.
From some NDEs I found out that what I learned in Islam, is experienced by non muslims too,
Soul gets in the pregnant women when the baby is six month old, (but that doesn’t mean ONLY)
The Saudi arabs have a sword in their flag as a symbol, because God created Paradise under the shadow of a Sword, (I read an nde who saw a sword in a heavenly place, now I understand this )
You collect through life points, like good done points, and if you do bad things, the points for negative deeds will be subtracted from your good points. (good deed Helal, or Halal (allowed) and bad deed Haram, as Forbidden)
The life review is not foreign to me, because in islam I was taught, that when you die and stay in front of God`s court, you see your whole life like a movie and you see all effects, this includes not only living creatures , but also un-living, like table, glass, knife. If you abused a knife for murdering example, the “Consciousness” of this knife will say “you cannot hide what you have done with me, I tell how you used me!” Or the “Book Consciousness” will speak for me, “She was good, because she read from me and learned”.
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Since I experienced a vibration while meditating, I have now sometimes this vibration even I don’t meditate
I was laying awake in my bed, midday At first I thought ohh, earthquake!
But no, then I thought, on the street must be some heavy machines working!
But no, then I thought, maybe it is my neighbour, but no!
While I am typing, I sit like a lotus position and from my belly is a rumble, vibration spreading, but not in my head part, because I don’t allow it there.
From where does it come, One evening, it felt like it grew from my belly and in the same time, I get a stream of energy from my environment through my lower back, into my belly and there the both vibration mix together and spread up to my chest and arms and from my belly to my legs.
If I lay in my bed still, the vibration was intense and I could not concentrate to other things or relax to sleep
For two days ago, I wanted to wash my hands and I couldn’t concentrate to take fluid soap and rinse my hands because the vibration was strong.
I checked if this was gas in my digest system, non, Is it not really an earthquake, Is it an organic problem, like Parkinson , no , no shakings, It is not multiple sclerosis, non, I wanted to check it, because I had a patient, with progressed m.s. who had eye movements from side to side.
I have put a glass of water on the ground, to see if the house vibrates, but no.
I wanted the reason why I feel vibration, and then I thought, what had happened In the last time.
As 2005 I found out the nde webpages I prayed, that Lord, Love and Light, that I need protection and I want to feel physical him, I wished from him to feel him on my left arm.
Since then I feel a warm sensation. Imagine your arm is taking sun bath. Then time came, it was so intense, my skin is not hot, color ok, blood circulation ok, but it is sooo intense, I prayed that it shall stop, and it stopped, then I missed it. So I prayed, I need to feel my Lord and it came.
One night I was so sad, I cried and the intense feeling of my left arm came again, and it spread on my chest and colum and face, I was so overwhelmed. I said, thank you Lord, but it is too intense , please make it small again. So it shrank to my arm
Then I prayed, Lord I wish you would take me in your arms and hug me! I want so much hugh you! I want to feel you so much!
I had in the last month, always a scarf on my shoulders and one night I sat in front of my computer, I felt my long scarf around me, on my back, I had slight vibration in my torso and after three hours I thought, oh its warm here, I can take my scarf down, I wanted to touch it, but there I had no scarf! I thought, where is it, it must be fall down, aIso I looked around, I didn’t found the scarf and the warm feeling, as if I wear a warm jacket didn’t went.
Now as I type, I feel touched from my back and my belly vibrates, if I don’t move, it gets stronger, if I move my body, it gets slighter! I feel as if some one is hugging me from behind,
I don’t know if in Germany are counsellor for my experience because I searched and didn’t found.
I had at school a teacher she did with my class the muscle relaxing, where you imagine your arm is relaxed, heavy, warm etc, but I know how this feels and my experience is totally different.
The warm feeling comes from outside and not from my inside.
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I need to talk to someone, but the ones who know I am a nurse, say: You are a nurse, how shall I help you, when even a nurse can’t help herself. This answer comes from all kind of persons, like my ex psychotherapist, my ex house doctor,… Friends who had studied , one was a nurse herself and studied medicine with me, or others who didn’t studied. I give up searching because I have no money and no energy to search further. This is so irritating me, but I sense, that they don’t want to deal or waste their time with my different problems, like find a job, or talk about life philosophy. People want only happy ones around them. They don’t want to comfort me, they accept only my happy side, my smiling face. I cant go to the religious communities, because they don’t accept my truth, so they think I agree with sinful or evil thoughts. Because I was closed out so many times, I am so depressed. But many come to me, with their problems, which they even not told their own psychiatrist or family, about their thoughts, their experiences.
After I had finished school, I never wanted a job only for the money, I said to myself if my goals on earth would have been only to be rich, then I had studied economy or banking. So I went my idealistic path, but today I know without money you can not reach people and education. I can not unite all people who are different and can learn from each other, share knowledge and joy. So I sit now, my hands bound, watching earth turning, human hasting from one stupid goal to another, wasting their energy and possibilities and God watches me and all of us, watches what we think and how we act.
Thank you for reading this far, You and all worker in the nde field have sure helped many souls, I am sad, that in germany nde are not investigated like in usa, I wished to attend the program and classes. Here are not so much german nde related books. In fact I only know R. Moody Book in german language. That makes me sad, because only people with English knowledge can read all these wonderful books.
I pray and wish you for your future health, happiness, joy and much more success!
GOD BLESS YOU !
Good bye,
Emel
