Jennifer - Suicide
10 14
Hello Ms. Atwater.
I didn't know I could tell anyone about my experience because I have been ear marked bi-polar with psychotic tendencies from the age of ten. When I was about twelve I turned to drugs and sex. I was a very unhappy depressed child. I was addicted to cocaine when I tried to commit suicide. I was seventeen years old. I took enough pills to knock out an elephant and I fell into a very deep coma like state. I woke up later on that day and threw up all, well most of the pills I took. I still somehow mustered up the strength to walk, stumble, to the bathroom to tear a razor blade apart. It was like something completely took me over. I don't even remember slicing my arm wide open. I cut it so many times and so deep that they had to put a tube to reconnect my vein.
But my boyfriends father found me and they put me in a vehicle and hauled tail toward the hospital. And God works in mysterious ways because at that very moment there was a wreck in front of the store above my house and an ambulandce was already on its way. I lost my pulse on the way into the ambulance. I started to drift up with a feeling of desperation not to come back to this place.
I saw the ems workers pumping my heart with the defibulator and than I looked up. I saw a shadowy human like figure surrounded by rays of rainbow colors. I remember saying or thinking please let me live. I tried with all my strength to pull my self toward what I can only describe as the most beautiful image and feeling I have ever known. But in that moment I saw his hand reach out and felt his hand touch my chest. I heard a voice that sounded like thunder and a waterfall and music all in one breath, like classical music in a thunderstorm, say "Go back, its not your time, not like this." His hand pushed me back into my body and I gasped a breath. It wasn't violent but it was forceful.
Peaceful, serene, happy, and letting me know it was not my time that was not how I am supposed to pass and my story had not been played out yet. I woke up with a peace I had never felt before. I hope this story will inspire others who are thinking of taking their life to know that God has a plan and when your time comes he will call you home.
Part II
After seeing, feeling, and hearing what on that day, in those moments, expressly after my spirit left my physical body. I felt renewed in a way that is very hard to explain to someone not feeling the urgency to take the type of action it takes to end ones life. But after not feeling like I mattered and didn't belong, like I served no purpose. I was just a waste of space and I didn't deserve to use up the limited amount of precious resources on this planet.
I committed an action that is unspeakable to just about everyone and to most an instant gateway to hell. My experience told me that its not an instant gateway to hell. It showed me that there is a place so beautiful and filled with so much love it is almost inconceivable to the human thought process. But when I entered that realm, between this world and the next, and I heard, saw, and felt what I know could only have been the presence of Jesus Christ himself, I woke up with a sense of renewal, a sense of purpose. A confirmation that I had not accomplished whatever it was I was given this life to accomplish. I had a new lease on life. A fresh outlook. One of hope and faith. Something I had not had in the past.
I knew that no matter what my purpose was, I had one and if I truly wanted to find myself in that beautiful place, one day, beyond the clouds, I needed to survive any hardship and endure all the trauma's of this life so that I could fulfill that purpose. Because it was not supposed to end that way. That was clear. But when it does end, I find peace knowing that it is all going to be worth it. And it's not for nothing.
There is a great reward in suffering. But I also found that the suffering becomes more bearable because I know I am not suffering alone. I hope that you post this and the last story I sent you because it might help others to find their peace. Thank you for listening and I hope this helps you with your research. I really would love to meet with you but as I stated before I live so far from Ohio and the time for me to leave just isn't right now. If there is anything else you would like to know or if you have any questions for me, please, feel free to convey. I will be more than happy. I am so glad there is someone like you that helps people in the way you do
Sincerely, Jennifer
I didn't know I could tell anyone about my experience because I have been ear marked bi-polar with psychotic tendencies from the age of ten. When I was about twelve I turned to drugs and sex. I was a very unhappy depressed child. I was addicted to cocaine when I tried to commit suicide. I was seventeen years old. I took enough pills to knock out an elephant and I fell into a very deep coma like state. I woke up later on that day and threw up all, well most of the pills I took. I still somehow mustered up the strength to walk, stumble, to the bathroom to tear a razor blade apart. It was like something completely took me over. I don't even remember slicing my arm wide open. I cut it so many times and so deep that they had to put a tube to reconnect my vein.
But my boyfriends father found me and they put me in a vehicle and hauled tail toward the hospital. And God works in mysterious ways because at that very moment there was a wreck in front of the store above my house and an ambulandce was already on its way. I lost my pulse on the way into the ambulance. I started to drift up with a feeling of desperation not to come back to this place.
I saw the ems workers pumping my heart with the defibulator and than I looked up. I saw a shadowy human like figure surrounded by rays of rainbow colors. I remember saying or thinking please let me live. I tried with all my strength to pull my self toward what I can only describe as the most beautiful image and feeling I have ever known. But in that moment I saw his hand reach out and felt his hand touch my chest. I heard a voice that sounded like thunder and a waterfall and music all in one breath, like classical music in a thunderstorm, say "Go back, its not your time, not like this." His hand pushed me back into my body and I gasped a breath. It wasn't violent but it was forceful.
Peaceful, serene, happy, and letting me know it was not my time that was not how I am supposed to pass and my story had not been played out yet. I woke up with a peace I had never felt before. I hope this story will inspire others who are thinking of taking their life to know that God has a plan and when your time comes he will call you home.
Part II
After seeing, feeling, and hearing what on that day, in those moments, expressly after my spirit left my physical body. I felt renewed in a way that is very hard to explain to someone not feeling the urgency to take the type of action it takes to end ones life. But after not feeling like I mattered and didn't belong, like I served no purpose. I was just a waste of space and I didn't deserve to use up the limited amount of precious resources on this planet.
I committed an action that is unspeakable to just about everyone and to most an instant gateway to hell. My experience told me that its not an instant gateway to hell. It showed me that there is a place so beautiful and filled with so much love it is almost inconceivable to the human thought process. But when I entered that realm, between this world and the next, and I heard, saw, and felt what I know could only have been the presence of Jesus Christ himself, I woke up with a sense of renewal, a sense of purpose. A confirmation that I had not accomplished whatever it was I was given this life to accomplish. I had a new lease on life. A fresh outlook. One of hope and faith. Something I had not had in the past.
I knew that no matter what my purpose was, I had one and if I truly wanted to find myself in that beautiful place, one day, beyond the clouds, I needed to survive any hardship and endure all the trauma's of this life so that I could fulfill that purpose. Because it was not supposed to end that way. That was clear. But when it does end, I find peace knowing that it is all going to be worth it. And it's not for nothing.
There is a great reward in suffering. But I also found that the suffering becomes more bearable because I know I am not suffering alone. I hope that you post this and the last story I sent you because it might help others to find their peace. Thank you for listening and I hope this helps you with your research. I really would love to meet with you but as I stated before I live so far from Ohio and the time for me to leave just isn't right now. If there is anything else you would like to know or if you have any questions for me, please, feel free to convey. I will be more than happy. I am so glad there is someone like you that helps people in the way you do
Sincerely, Jennifer
